14 March 2008

         According to the latest USA TODAY/Coach’s Poll, after beating a hooker in Hoboken, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has moved up two places to “Client No. 7.”

         This whole Governor Spitzer/hooker thing is really getting complicated.
         Let’s see now.  The gaunt, middle-aged woman standing by his side at his news conferences is really just an escort.  And the taut,
22-year-old escort is really just a whore, right?

         I wouldn’t say Governor Spitzer’s wife, Silda, was mad.
         But when they got home she grounded the governor—and 40 Southwest Airlines planes.

         On her MySpace page, the governor’s high-priced hooker says “I love who I am.”
         I love who she is, too.  But I’d love her even more if she wasn’t so damned expensive.

         You know what the hottest drink is at clubs and restaurants in Manhattan?  It’s the “Spitzer:”
         White wine, club soda, a juicy peach, and two huge Jersey Shore olives.

         President Bush has sent Vice President Cheney to the Middle East to negotiate peace between the Israelis and Palestinians.
         Sending Dick Cheney on a peace mission is like sending Bill Clinton into a home for unwed mothers.

         Barack Obama won the Mississippi primary and the Clinton campaign is getting desperate.  Have you seen Hillary’s latest ad?  Here, check it out (PHONE RINGING/ANNCR):
         “It’s 3 a.m. and the 8-year-old girl in this stock photo is safely asleep.  Who do you want answering the phone when she wakes up and tells the world she’s ‘voting for the black guy?’”

         Politics have always played a big part in Hollywood and this year is no exception.
         We’ve got John McCain in “No Country for Old Men.”
Barack Obama in “Definitely, Maybe.” Hillary Clinton in
“There Will Be Blood.”  And Ralph Nader in “Untraceable...”

         …In fact, Hollywood is making a documentary about the Democratic race for president between Barack Obama and
Hillary Clinton.
         It’s called “The Hottie and the Nottie.”

         Britain’s Prince Harry, it turns out, was on the front lines fighting the Taliban in Afghanistan for months.
         And luckily for the prince he was wearing his helmet when he got hit with a barrage of crumpets.

         Did you all watch the Grammys the other night?
         Amy Winehouse won five Grammys including Record of the Year for “Rehab.”
         And kind of a touching moment when her boyfriend, from behind bars, sent her a bouquet of fresh syringes…

         …Amy poked her head out of her trashed London hotel room the other day and—you know what that means?
         That’s right, six more weeks of rehab.

         The number of “American Idol” contestants is down to 11 after stripper David Hernandez got the boot and he’s not the only one angered by the results.
         Apparently “Idol” fans in Michigan and Florida were told their votes don’t count.

         Madonna was inducted into the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame by Justin Timberlake.
         Justin said that while working on her latest album together, Madonna gave him a shot in the ass with B-12.
         And today Roger Clemens said, “Heh, why didn’t I think of that?”

         Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre has officially retired.  Favre says he’s sure he will sit there on Sundays and say,
“I could do that.  I should be doing that.”
         Oh, I’m sorry, that wasn’t Brett Favre.  That was a defrocked priest.

         Chicago Cubs centerfielder Felix Pie had surgery to repair a “twisted testicle.”
         The Cubs are calling it a “minor procedure.”  Pie is calling it
“life threatening.”
         “Twisted Testicle,” by the way was the name of my garage band.

         An Indiana couple got an apology and their money back after they claimed to find worms in their Applebee’s salad.
         The couple was later arrested, however, when police discovered that worms wouldn’t be caught dead at an Applebee’s.

         A Starbucks® barista in Tacoma, Washington has offered to donate her kidney to a 55-year-old woman with kidney disease.
         That sounds about right.  You pay an arm and a leg for a nonfat latte, the least they can do is give you an organ.

         According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, one out of four teenage girls nationwide has a sexually transmitted disease.
         You know it’s bad when college recruiters ask how you did on your STDs.

         Researchers at Johns Hopkins University say certain head and neck cancers may be linked to excessive pot smoking and oral sex.
         The moral of the story: Don’t get too high or too low.

         Suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian has announced plans to run for Congress from the state of Michigan.
         Political analysts say the key for Kevorkian is getting his core constituents to vote for him before he kills them.

         And finally, and not a moment too soon…

         …A Kansas woman who refused to get off the toilet for two years had to have the toilet seat pried off her bottom at the hospital because her skin had grown over the seat.
         When pressed for an explanation the disoriented woman said only, “Four syllables.  Two words.  Bad Mex-i-can.”

Goodnight everybody.  Drive safely.

Gino@wlup.com

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