Gino Giovannetti is a member of the “Jonathon
Brandmeier Show” on The LOOP--WLUP 97.9-FM Radio—and
is a frequent contributor to “The Tonight Show With Jay
Leno.”
Jokes Jay Rejected for the week of 25 September 2006:
Paris Hilton's bed--including the used mattress--is
being auctioned by StarStyle.com..... The opening bid is $1500, which
is pretty amazing because for 50 bucks you can get the bed with Paris
still in it.
CBS News apologized after it was revealed that a promotional picture
of Katie Couric had been digitally altered to make
it look as if she was 20 pounds lighter..... In a related story, Oprah
fired her personal fitness instructor today.
In Rio de Janeiro, a parking attendant who got into
a dispute with a woman over a parking space used a knife and handsaw
to kill the woman and saw her body in half..... A word to the wise:
Be careful next time you see a sign that says "Parking Half-Off."
"Death of a President," the controversial British
film depicting the assassination of President George W. Bush, won
the international critics' prize at the Toronto International Film
Festival.....Howard Dean calls it "The feel
good movie of the summer."
They're holding the "Homeless World Cup Soccer Tournament"
in Cape Town, South Africa this week. Homeless sporting events are
a little different from other sporting events. For example, all games
are road games because, well, they're homeless.....The pre-game meal
consists of a fifth of Wild Turkey and a pack of Camels.....The coin
toss often degenerates into a park-bench clearing "scrum".....Trades
often include a "liver donor to be named later".....And
championship teams celebrate by spraying each other with their own
bodily fluids.
Former WorldCom CEO Bernie Ebbers reported to prison
in Louisiana on Tuesday driving a Mercedes Benz. You know what happens
to guys who show up to prison driving a Mercedes, Kev?.....That's
right, they get "rear-ended."
Dallas Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens says he suffered
an alergic reaction to pain medication and didn't try to commit suicide.
That isn't the only controversy surrounding T.O. .....Today, Anna
Nicole Smith's lawyer and photographer both claimed to be T.O.'s daddy.
A Brooklyn priest who parked in a no parking zone
while rushing to administer last rites to a dying woman received a
$115 parking ticket. A hundred-and-fifteen-dollars, that
doesn't seem fair, does it?.....I would have let him off with three
"Our Fathers" and two "Hail Marys."
The Ford Motor Company has turned the troubled car
maker over to the former CEO of Boeing's commercial airplane unit.
Beginning in 2008, all Ford cars will come standard with peanuts and
miniature bottles of Scotch.
And finally, and not a moment too soon..... Terrible news coming from
the set of "The View." Apparently when Elisabeth Hasselbeck
tried to talk over Rosie O'Donnell this morning,
she was struck flush in the heart with a fatal blow from Rosie's barbed
penis.
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