16 July 2008

I was in Louisville, Kentucky the first Saturday in May and someone said to me, “Did you see the race?”
And I said, “No what happened?”
And they said, “The Big Brown frontrunner won and the filly that came in second had to be put down.”
And I said, “Enough about the Democratic race for president. What happened at Churchill Downs?”

- President Bush lifted an executive ban on offshore drilling the other day.
And today, John McCain said he did some offshore drilling in the Navy before the “don’t ask/don’t tell” policy was instituted.

Police in Simsbury, Connecticut are trying to find out who stuffed a pipe bomb into a raw roasting chicken and left it on the side of a road.
Police aren’t sure who committed the crime. Or which came first, the chicken or the pipe bomb.

A Georgia man angered because his mother wanted him to pay $300 a month for rent shot and killed his mother with a crossbow.
That’s what I call a “sportsman.” A lot of guys would have capped mom’s ass with a rifle and scope. But he used a crossbow.
If you think that’s sick, you should see her stuffed and mounted above the fireplace.

Good news/bad news for an 86-year-old Chicago woman suffering from dementia: The bad news is, a Chase Bank teller allegedly scammed her out of $300,000.
The good news is, she gets free checking!

R. Kelly, as you know, was found “not guilty” of child pornography last month and thank heavens.
Because if he had been convicted on all counts, he wouldn’t be eligible for parole until the golden anniversary of his golden shower.

Here in Beverly Hills, police are on the lookout for this man (PHOTO: Ed McMahon) after he tried to pay off his mortgage with this bogus, 3-by-8-feet $644,000 Publisher’s Clearing House check.

A Tennessee man has been arrested for grabbing and harassing Cher at Tootsies’ Orchid Lounge in Nashville.
The man was later freed because the parts he grabbed weren’t really Cher.

A Hammond, Indiana man has been arrested for trying to rob a bar with a cheese grater.
He is described as a male Caucasian of medium height and is considered armed and lactose tolerant.

Barack Obama had a “terrific” 20-minute conversation with former President Bill Clinton the other day.
It was the longest Clinton had been on the phone without asking, “How old are you? What are you wearing? And guess what I have in my hand?”

Scientists at Texas A&M say watermelon contains nutrients that relax the blood vessels, much like Viagra®.
The only problem is that watermelons are really hard to swallow whole, and it can take up to four hours before you can get up from the picnic table.

According to the Times of London, “disability dolls” are gaining in popularity.
Here’s what I want to know: How can you tell if it’s a disability doll or just shoddy assembly-line work? “Heh, I’m missin’ a leg here!”

Cookie Johnson, the wife of former Lakers star Magic Johnson, is appearing in a $60 million public service campaign urging black women to get tested for HIV.
I’m not a doctor, but one thing you can do to avoid getting HIV is to avoid going by the names “Cookie” or “Magic.”

The N.Y. Daily News suggests that jailed financier Raffaello Follieri may have been ratted out to the FBI by his former girlfriend, actress Anne Hathaway.
Hathaway is on the set of her latest film, “The Devil Wears A Wire.”

Actors Josh Brolin and Jeffrey Wright who are starring in Oliver Stone’s controversial film “W” about President Bush got into a bar fight with pro-Bush supporters in Shreveport, Louisiana where the film’s being shot.
Isn’t that always the case? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred when there’s a bar fight, it’s over bush.

Mexico’s central bank reports that Mexicans working abroad are sending less money home.
That’s because 1, the U.S. economy has slowed; 2, the U.S. has cracked down on illegal immigration; and 3, “home” for most Mexicans is right here in the States.

Former Vogue covergirl Ruslana Korshunova has died of a possible suicide.
Police aren’t sure whether she jumped from the balcony of her ninth-story Manhattan apartment—or if she just fell off her platform shoes.

Plane crash survivors in Chile who spent five days in freezing temperatures on a mountain top say they considered eating the pilot.
But when they found out they were being charged 25 bucks a bag they ate the baggage handlers instead.

A Shawnee, Kansas man is in satisfactory condition after having a two-and-a-half-inch nail fired into his skull with a nailgun.
After doctors removed the nail with a clawhammer, the man sat up in his hospital bed and said, “Some men see things the way they are and say ‘why?’ I dream things that never were and say, ‘Why not?’”
Oh I’m sorry, that was Teddy Kennedy when they pulled the slug out of his head.

And finally, and not a moment too soon…

Angel Tavira, the one-handed violinist who dedicated his life to Mexican folk music and won a Cannes Film Festival award for his role in “The Violin,” has died at 84.
Angel is survived by his brother, a one-armed juggler, and his one-legged dancing sister.

Goodnight everybody. See you next week. Drive safely.

Gino@wlup.com

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