CHICAGO – Rosie O’Donnell dear, it’s
time for you to go. Don’t worry, sweetheart, you’re not
going to feel a thing. And if the state can afford it, we’ll
even grant you a final meal.
Personally, I’d like to torture you first. The way you say we
tortured Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to get him to confess to masterminding
the 9/11 attacks, which you suggest was carried out by the U.S. Government.
Nevertheless, Rosie, you’ve done a lot of fantastic things for
our children and other underprivileged people, most notably through
your “For All Kids Foundation,” so we’re going to
give you a pass on the torture. Besides, torture is relative. And
for you that could involve something as mundane as forcing you to
do a sit-up or holding a Twinkie® within inches of your stubby
little fingers and fat, puffy face.
Rather, Rosie, I’m recommending that we give you the same humane
consideration that we give to other fanatical shoot-from-the-hip assassins—lethal
injection. Generally it only takes eight or ten minutes for the triumvirate
of drugs to drain the life out of you.
But for you it could take eight to ten days.
“Well, There She Goes Again”
Recently on “The View” and on her Web site, Rosie
O’Donnell blabbed and blogged that the Iranian capture of 15
British sailors and marines represented a “false flag”
operation designed to provide the Bush Administration with an excuse
to go to war with Iran.
Rosie even went so far as to equate the action with the 1964 Gulf
of Tonkin incident which was used by the Johnson Administration to
escalate the Vietnam War telling viewers “…I have one
thing to say: Gulf of Tonkin, Google it, OK.”
Forget the fact, as Rosie conveniently did, that the British were
apprehended in the Shatt al-Arab waterway leading into the Persian
Gulf. And that the Brits insist they were on the Iraqi side of the
Arvand River, the long contested dividing line.
By now we all know that patience and diplomacy have led to the release
of all 15 British sailors and marines—unharmed—by Iranian
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad less than two weeks after their capture.
But that hasn’t stopped Rosie from her loose cannon diatribes.
Pick On Somebody Your Own Size
These latest Rosie rants follow on the heels of a March 20 edition
of “The View” featuring an interview with Rory
Kennedy, producer/director of the documentary “Ghosts of
Abu Ghraib.”
Show host Elisabeth Hasselbeck had the audacity to suggest that while
she didn’t condone the abuse of Iraqi prisoners at Abu Ghraib,
in the wake of 9/11, it wasn’t fair to classify every intelligence
information gathering technique in Iraq and Guantanamo Bay, Cuba as
“torture.” Rosie dismissed Ms. Hasselbeck’s caveat
as “blather.”
“Elisabeth, you have to stop…You can’t blather on
your opinion…What’s the question, ‘Should we torture
people?’ She said no.” It was the second time within days
that O’Donnell ridiculed Hasselbeck over security issues. Previously,
during a discussion about the feds listening in on citizens’
phone calls to and from nations antagonistic toward the U.S., Rosie
demeaned Liz saying “Elisabeth, you are very young and you are
very wrong.” (Ironically, Rosie was sued by three members of
her security detail at her Miami-area mansion after she allegedly
spied on them and secretly recorded their private conversations with
an illegal device planted in a smoke detector.)
Regrettably, Ms. Hasselbeck then did what you should never do in the
presence of a frothing-mad dog, she showed fear by weeping backstage
after the show.
What was the source of Rosie’s disdain? Perhaps the fact that
Hasselbeck is everything that Rosie is not: young, pretty, fashionable,
conservative and heterosexual. Curiously, Rosie continues to exhibit
the same social and political intolerance that she is supposedly trying
to eradicate.
Magnum P. O.’d
While Rosie was endearing Middle America with her Oprah Lite television
show, she first tipped her pudgy hand during that ’99 train
wreck of an interview with actor Tom Selleck. Mr. Selleck had his
agenda, to promote his new movie, “A Love Letter.”
Rosie had her own post-Columbine agenda, to lambaste Selleck for having
the temerity to film a commercial for the NRA. It made for great television,
like Cato ambushing Inspector Clouseau, only it was more tragic than
comedic.
Rosie The Mag Hag
I must admit that I never read Rosie magazine before it folded. I
guess I was afraid it had a centerfold. But I understand that when
the “O”-like vehicle debuted in March of 2001, it perpetuated
the “Queen of Nice” moniker that Newsweek gave
her during her TV show.
The magazine promised that “…There will be stories you
can’t wait to read, everyday heroes who will inspire you, and
celebrities and crafts galore. And because Rosie is for real women
living in the real world, there will be fashion for every figure and
recipes you’d actually make…”
That is, until Ro’ later tried to turn the glossy mag into something
edgier and darker. As Simon Dumenco aptly put it in New York
magazine, “…G+J’s (publisher Gruner + Jahr) bone-headed
presumption was that the Queen of Nice would stay nice once she got
into the magazine racket…Rosie made the fatal mistake of thinking
that Middle American housewives actually loved her. They didn’t.
They loved the idea of Rosie: a sassy, sweet, plus-sized gal.”
Well, one out of three ain’t bad.
The result was a nasty breach of contract lawsuit that was later dismissed
after Rosie and G+J sued each other for six figures.
During the trial, the defunct magazine’s former marketing director,
cancer survivor Cindy Spengler, testified that after a contentious
meeting about the mag’s future, Rosie complained that her silence
during the meeting was tantamount to lying.
“You know what happens to people who lie? They get sick and
they get cancer. If they keep lying, they get it again,” said
The Queen of Ice according to the Associated Press. This
was particularly appalling since Rosie’s mother died of breast
cancer in 1973.
Out of the Closet
During the time that Rosie’s TV show ended and her magazine
began to spin out of control, whatever of Rosie remained in her waddle-in
closet came out at a benefit at Caroline’s Comedy Club in Times
Square. “I’m a dyke,!” declared Rosie. “I’m
sick of being _______ nice.”
The sloppy February 2002 appearance at Caroline’s preceded the
end of her TV gabfest and the publishing of her book, “Find
Me,” in which she formally came out.
No longer requiring the “Nice” façade to boost
ratings and revenue, Rosie’s coming out party was primarily
motivated by Florida’s refusal to grant adoption rights to gay
parents.
Rosie did adopt a new man-bob butch ‘do saying it was inspired
by Boy George’s. Unfortunately for Rosie, her production of
George’s “Taboo” Broadway stage play ended
prematurely in a sea of red ink.
Two weeks after San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsome began granting marriage
licenses to same-sex couples, O’Donnell “married”
her longtime lover, Kelli Carpenter, on February 26, 2004. The California
Supreme Court later voided the marriage. But that didn’t stop
Rosie from referring to Kelli as her “wife.”
I thought that was the whole idea of same-sex unions, to break the
role-playing stereotypes so often characteristic of failed heterosexual
relationships. But when one woman is a 130-pound cruise director and
the other an 800-pound gorilla, I guess it makes sense.
The “O’Donnell’s” have four children, three
adopted and one conceived through sperm donation. Imagine producing
sperm with the assistance of “Ms. October,” only to find
out that the “father” ends up being Rosie O’Donnell.
I guess that’s why you sign legal papers mandating that the
donor’s identity remains secret.
“Racist and ‘Weightest’”
Rosie began picking her battles even before officially joining
“The View.” One of her targets was outgoing show
host Star Jones.
Rosie had chided Star for not admitting that her seemingly overnight
150-pound weight loss was a product of gastrointestinal surgery and
called her a “former fatty.” I’d rather be the former
than the fatter.
It seems that Rosie can’t conceal her envy for anyone slimmer
and better proportioned. That is why in addition to sparring with
Jones over her weight, Rosie also accused “American Idol”
Executive Producer Nigel Lythgoe of being “racist and ‘weightest.’”
Rosie was upset that “Idol” kept “skinny
and white” contestant Antonella Barba but dumped plump African-American
former contestant Frenchie Davis after it was revealed that they both
had posed for compromising photos.
It’s worth noting that in a publicity photo for “The
View” by the APs’ Yolanda Perez, Rosie permitted
herself to be “digitally altered” to appear considerably
slimmer. It’s amazing what they can do these days with Photoshop®.
“The View” from Left Field
Rosie O’Donnell replaced Meredith Viera as “moderator”
on “The View” on September 5th, 2006. (Can you
be a moderator if you’re not moderate?)
Just one week into her tenure Rosie declared that “radical Christianity
is just as threatening as radical Islam in a country like America.”
I’m not a big fan of the religious right in this country, but
I don’t recall Jerry Falwell flying a plane into a mosque or
any other building in a suicidal attempt to kill 3,000 innocent people.
Over the next few months, Rosie’s anti-Christian rhetoric honed
in on Catholicism and the Church’s positions on sexual restraint
and the celibacy of priests. The persistent rebukes drew the ire of
Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights President William D.
Donohue.
Referring to show hosts O’Donnell and Joey Behar, Donohue said
“…Their relentless and profoundly ignorant attacks on
the Catholic Church and its teachings would never be tolerated by
the show’s co-owner, Barbara Walters, if it were Judaism or
Islam that was under attack.”
If Rosie read as much as she ate, she may have learned something from
the relatively peaceful end of the Cold War; namely that while we
don’t want to stoop to the level of our enemies, we also can’t
imbue them with the same morals and principles that guide our actions
and policies.
Rosie’s it’s us not them mantra has led her not
only to equate terrorists with the Bush Administration, but to Westernize
the jihadists. “Don’t fear the terrorists,” lectured
Rosie on the November 9 edition of “The View.”
“They’re mothers and fathers,” just like us I presume,
as though the source of their hateful indignation was akin to a residential
property line dispute.
The Queen of Conspiracy
I am hesitant to criticize any citizen of a democracy for being skeptical
about its government, especially where bloated politicians, shrouded
bureaucrats and surreptitious institutions are concerned.
Nevertheless, Rosie O’Donnel’s abject lack of objectivity
is never more astounding than when taken in the context of her unsubstantiated
and ridiculous 9/11 conspiracy theories.
On her March 15, 2007 blog, Rosie argues that the destruction of the
World Trade Center towers was carried out by the Bush Administration
to ignite our inevitable international war on terrorism and to cover
up for corporate energy and securities malfeasance.
Two weeks later on “The View,” O’Donnell
suggested that World Trade Center tower 7 was imploded by the government
with explosives, causing it to crumble within hours of the Twin Towers
collapse.
“I do believe that it was the first time in history that fire
has ever melted steel…It defies physics for the World Trace
Center tower 7, which collapsed on itself…to fall the way it
fell without explosives being involved. Miraculously, for the first
time in history steel was melted by fire.”
First of all, it’s obvious that Miss Piggy has never worked
in a steel mill. It’s too bad. She may have inadvertently melted
off a pound or two.
Secondly, besides imploding Rosie magazine, “The
View,” and every other thing she touches of late, what
exactly makes Rosie a demolitions expert?
Third, in response to Elisabbeth Hasselbeck’s query, “Do
you believe that the government had anything to do with the attack
of 9/11, do you believe in a conspiracy…?” Rosie replied
“No, but…” before essentially saying yes via her
fire and steel spiel. Despite the fact that demolition experts and
NIST (National Institute of Standards and Technology) investigators
never claimed the steel supports were “melted” but, rather,
were weakened.
And finally, Ms. O’Donnell doesn’t explain whether the
fall of towers 1, 2 and 7 were related, i.e., if terrorists destroyed
the first two towers, did the U.S. Government take the “opportunity”
to implode tower 7? Or did the government take down all three towers?
(Note that Popular Mechanics’ book “Debunking
9/11 Myths” maintains that not only would it be logistically
impossible to clandestinely wire a building the size of tower 7 in
that time, but there is a logical explanation for why the building
toppled the way it did.)
“No, but…” What is it, Rosie?
Tag Team Rosie
Rosie vs. Donald Trump. Rosie vs. Bill O’Reilly. Rosie vs. Star
Jones. Rosie vs. “American Idol.” Rosie vs.—Kelly
Ripa and Clay Aiken?
To her credit, nobody can take Rosie on one-on-one. You have to double
and triple team her. Perhaps that’s why she took on 1.3 billion
Chinese with her infamous “ching-chong” impression.
Normally, the thought of a billionaire real estate magnate lowering
himself to trade grade-school insults with the class porker would
be more pathetic than amusing. But I have to hand it to Trump.
When Rosie attacked Trump on “The View” on December
20 of last year for giving 20-year-old substance abuser and Miss USA
Tara O’Connor a second chance at life, Trump took a swipe at
Rosie’s milk jug mug. And when Rosie demonstrated her inversion
therapy technique for battling depression by hanging upside down on
a taped March 9 edition of “The View,” she may
have left herself open for the knockout punch.
“If I looked like Rosie, I’d struggle with depression,
too” Trump told “Entertainment Tonight.”
“I think a picture of Rosie hanging upside down is a very unattractive
picture…one I would pay not to watch.”
I have to agree with The Donald. If I wanted to see hundreds of pounds
of fatty, gutted beef hanging upside down, I’d go to work at
a slaughterhouse.
Ratings and Responsibility
Depending on the source, ratings for “The View”
are up by 600,000 viewers or 20 percent since O’Donnell joined
the show. On the other hand, ratings appear to have slumped somewhat
since January of this year.
The bottom line is, Rosie is justifying her $3 million salary. She
is rumored to be in line for a $40 million contract to host her own
show. But I wouldn’t be surprised if her virtually daily outbursts
eventually scare off producers and advertisers alike.
I try to be lenient when I criticize comments Rosie makes on her blog.
After all, this is essentially a blog. Nobody reads it. And nobody,
therefore, should be offended by it.
When you have millions of viewers watching you every day on a major
television network, however, you have a greater responsibility to
document your opinions with facts and avoid inflammatory comments.
You can’t shout “FIRE!” in a crowded theater without
justification, for example. And you shouldn’t scream “FAT
DYKE” in a crowded fraternity house. Either way innocent bystanders
could be trampled to death.
Roseann Teresa O’Donnell 1962-2007
Rosie has reduced “The View” from a show that
championed the intellectual prowess and empowerment of women to one
that mirrors talking head cable confrontation, only at a more shrill
and irritating pitch.
She has relegated once-proud journalistic pioneer Barbara Walters
to a freak show carnival barker. Making Walters wish, no doubt, that
when she broke the glass ceiling she had saved a shard to slash her
throat or wrists.
Intellectually, Rosie has become the equivalent of a no-talent National
Hockey League thug who can’t skate, shoot or stickhandle but
can only feed himself by instigating fisticuffs and taking career-threatening
cheap shots.
Rosie has donated tens of millions of dollars to charity and helped
generate millions more. She’s ten times the man I’ll ever
be. But it’s time to put her to sleep. Stop feeding her. Reinforce
the gurney. Get the sodium thiopental, pancuronium bromide and potassium
chloride ready.
“Have you anything else you’d like to say, Rosie? No?
Well I do. Google this!”
SONGS
WE JUST PLAYED
