10 August 2007

CHICAGO – You only need one.  And it doesn’t even have to be a good one.

Nevertheless, new research in the August edition of Archives of Sexual Behavior suggests that there are at least 237 reasons why people have sex.  Archives of Sexual Behavior is the official publication of the International Academy of Sex Research and routinely features articles such as “Promiscuity: A Natural History of Sperm Competition and Female Choice.”

The 237-reasons sex study was conducted by University of Texas at Austin clinical psychology professor Cindy Meston and co-author David Ball.  Responses ranged from the spiritual, “I wanted to be closer to God,” to the demented, “I wanted to give someone else a sexually transmitted disease.”

This compulsion to transmit STDs “…is a pretty serious reason with a whole lot of negative social consequences,” said Meston to CBS News.  No kidding.  What do you get the girl who has everything?  Penicillin.

“Hook ‘Em Hornys”

The research was comprised of two stages.  In stage one, 444 men and women aged 17-52 were asked to list “all the reasons you can think of why you, or someone you may have known, has engaged in sexual intercourse in the past.”  After eliminating identical or essentially the same answers, the original list was paired down to 237 reasons for having sex.

Stage two of the research required 1,549 Texas college students taking psychology classes to rank, on a 1-5 scale, how each of the reasons affected their sexual experiences with one being the least and five the most.

           
Curiously, the study appears to indicate that men and women essentially have sex for the same reasons and that lust is more important than love.  Limiting stage two to hormonally challenged college students may explain why the conventional gender stereotypes suggesting that men seek physical pleasure and that women prefer emotional security are absent in this study.

Here, both collegiate sexes list because “I was horny” and “I was sexually aroused and wanted the release.”  (The arousal/release response may, in fact, help a college student improve his psyche grade.  But, take it from me, it will not mollify CTA police on a rush-hour ‘L car.)

While lead author Meston dismisses gender differences, she does concede that “Men were more likely to be opportunistic towards having sex, so if sex were there and available they would jump on it (sic), somewhat more so than women.  Women were more likely to have sex because they felt they needed to please their partner.”  Meston admits that greater disparities between the sexes can be expected when older subject groups participate in the study.

Dr. Irwin Goldstein, director of sexual medicine at Alvarado Hospital in San Diego concurs with professor Meston saying that the more we look at the reasons for having sex, “the more we find similarity” between men and women.  Dr. Goldstein says gender differences may be limited to people with sexual problems.  (I don’t know why they had to drag me into this.)

Some Reasons Make Sense.  Some Don’t.

A majority of the reasons people gave for having sex make sense.  For example, the top reason for both sexes was that “I was attracted to the person.”  That’s healthy.  People who have sex with people that they are not attracted to tend to be prostitutes, sadists, masochists or D. All of the above.

Despite professor Meston’s contention, some of the reasons given clearly were gender specific.  For example, one of the reasons men gave for having sex, number 192, was “I wanted to relieve ‘blue balls.’”  Most women do not suffer from this malady, Rosie O’Donnell being one noteworthy exception.

Likewise, women “wanted to achieve an orgasm.”  This is something men can accomplish blindfolded with one hand tied behind their back or by rubbing themselves against a large, woody perennial plant with one main trunk and numerous branches.  The key word being “woody.”

Women, due in part to the “W” gene, were more inclined to list “Someone offered me money to do it,” “I wanted to get a job/raise/promotion,” “The person had bought me jewelry,” “The person had taken me out for an expensive dinner,” etc.  Anyone who has ever seen an old, fat blotchy man with a beautiful young woman on his arm is familiar with this phenomenon.

Some reasons women gave for having sex are truly admirable such as the aforementioned “I wanted to get closer to God.”  I don’t know who you are, but I’m not averse to conversion.

“It would allow me to get sex out of my system so that I could focus on other things.”  Like finding my panties.

“I wanted to become more focused at work—sexual thoughts are distracting.”  In by 9, out by 5.

But what could be nobler than the reason, “I was tired of being a virgin?”

Others intoned the current health/fitness craze by saying “I thought it would make me feel healthy.”  “I wanted to burn calories.”  “It seemed like good exercise.”  Or “I thought it would help me to fall asleep.”

Addiction has a whole subcategory of reasons for having sex.  Starting with “I’m addicted to sex,” number 126, and “I am a sex addict,” number 196.  (I’m not sure what the difference is there.  Perhaps the proof reader was tired of being a virgin.)

Many other addicts explained that “I was drunk.”  “Because of a bet.”  And “The person offered to give me drugs for doing it.”

“You’re Nobody ‘Til Somebody Loves You…”

Not surprisingly, many of the reasons for having sex revolve around self-worth and esteem, or lack thereof.  These pathetic but prevalent responses include everything from “I wanted to make myself feel better about myself,” “I wanted to be popular,” and “I thought it would boost my self-sesteem” to “It was the only way my partner would spend time with me” and “I wanted to be used or degraded.”

Some of the reasons crossed the border between consensual role playing and disturbing anti-social behavior.  These reasons for having sex entailed everything from “I wanted to make my partner feel powerful” and “I wanted to display submission” to the troubling “I wanted to possess the person,” “…hurt/humiliate the person,” “The person had too much to drink and I was able to take advantage of them,” and “I was afraid to say ‘no’ due to the possibility of physical harm.”

Frivolous Reasons for Frivolous Sex

Many reasons for having sex struck me as strange.  At least one person said “I wanted to communicate at a deeper level.”  Take up scuba diving for heaven’s sake.

How ‘bout this one: “I wanted to become one with another person.”  If you’re heterosexual, that would make you a hermaphrodite, wouldn’t it?

And someone “wanted to change the topic of conversation.” 

Unfortunately, she was at the church ice cream social at the time.

I could go on and on:

*  “I was bored.”  Read a book.
*  “Someone dared me.”  Who are you, Evel Knievel?
*  “The person smelled nice.”  It’s not that ‘Old Spice’ guy, is it?
*  “The person had beautiful eyes.”  So did Bette Davis, but have you seen her lately?
*  “It was an initiation rite to a club or organization.”  I don’t care about the initiation fee or dues—count me in.
*  “I wanted to get rid of a headache.”  Ask a 15-year-old unwed mother about headaches.
*  “The person was mysterious.”  Of course he’s mysterious.  He’s a chick with a penis.
*  “I wanted to make up after a fight.”  That’s how Tyson ended up biting Holyfield’s ear off.
*  “The person was famous and I wanted to be able to say I had sex with her.”  Yeah, well that hotel heiress just gave you the clap.
*  “I was married and you’re supposed to.”  I’m married, too.  Let’s go. 
*  “It was easier to ‘go all the way’ than to stop.”  I’m guessing you’re not a third-base coach.
*  “I felt like I owed it to the person.”  We don’t take Visa, MasterCard or Ass—just cash.
*  “I don’t know how to say ‘no.’”  Start by opening your mouth and say “Ahhh…”
*  “I felt like it was my duty.”  What branch of service are you in?
*  “I wanted to end the relationship.”  I understand.  Let’s end it again tomorrow, too.
*  “I had not had sex in a long time.”  Heh pal, get in line.
*  “I felt rebellious.”  Unfortunately you ____ more like Jimmy Dean than James Dean.  Without the sausage.
*  “It seemed like the natural next step.”  I’m not sure that’s what they meant by ‘ballroom dancing.’”
“I wanted to be nice.”  Yeah, but you’re my niece.
*  “I wanted the person to ‘feel good’ about themselves.”  Who do I look like, James Brown?
*  “I had no self-control.”  You?  Check out that headboard.
*  “I wanted to celebrate a birthday…or special occasion.”  That’s the good news.  The bad news is, you just turned 17.
*  “An erotic movie turned me on.”  Wait ‘til ya see the one my friend Phil is filming behind that one-way mirror.
*  “I wanted to get the most out of life.”  What is this, a beer commercial?
*  “I wanted to defy my parents.”  Let’s really tick ‘em off, call your sister, too.
*  “I wanted to feel older.”  Start by banging Estelle Geddes.
*  “I wanted to welcome someone home.”  That’s very admirable but the mailman will be back again tomorrow.
*  “I wanted to lift my partner’s spirits.”  Great!  You lift, I’ll cough.
*  “I wanted to reproduce.”  Try getting up on the copier.
*  “I wanted to help my partner forget about their problems.”  The only problem I’ve got is the burning and itching.
And one was downright creepy: “I wanted to see what it would be like to have sex with another person.”  At best you’re a compulsive masturbator.  At worst, you should be banned from every farm, wildlife preserve and zoo.

“Are You Through, Yet?”

Sadly, no.  I have discovered still more reasons for having sex.  But in the interests of brevity, I’ll stop at 250.

#238:  He was, after all, president of the United States, you know.
#239:  Father said all of the other altar boys are doing it.
#240:  It’s a great part.  And I’m a lousy actress.
#241:  One time doesn’t make me a ‘homo,’ right?
#242:  What else ya gonna do after getting spanked with a wire brush and being urinated on while choking on a rubber ball?
#243:  It’s a lot more fun than actually studying for the final.
#244:  The pilot says we have reached an altitude of 5,280 feet.
#245:  You expect me to just window shop in Amsterdam?
#246:  How else am I gonna get smokes in prison?
#247:  How often do you run into Siamese twins?
#248:  Heh, I got out of the ticket, didn’t I?
#249:  You’re a porn star.  I’m a director.  And we’re on a budget. 
#250:  Come on!  What are the odds that NBC’s Chris Hansen really is in the other room?